So
you are embarking on a first date, maybe even contemplating
re-partnering. Perhaps you have
been flying solo for some time and want to
finally settle down…you are filled with optimism about the prospect of a new
beginning. But dating isn’t as easy as you had hoped.
You know what they say: “You never get a second chance to make a
first impression.” First impressions, powerful as they are, can make all
the difference between a successful encounter and a failed one. Let’s
consider how you behave and what you should reveal on a first date to ensure a
second.
1. Maintain your information
boundaries.
Even though your long-term goal may be to establish a
“we,” you must remember you are still an “I.” On the first date, you don’t
want to be an “open book.” Save your personal information for later when
the foundations of trust and intimacy have been established.
2. Create a balance between
the two “I’s. Your “I” is aiming for a peek into your date’s
“I” to determine the possibility of a second date. Listen to your date and
show interest. Likewise, bring yourself honestly to the table by sharing
what you want your date to know about you. You shouldn’t wait passively
for your date to run the show. Regardless of who initiated the meet, take
control by asking questions that will give you insight into their
character. However, it is important to be mindful that your inquiries
could prompt your date to ask the same of you, so try not to ask a question you
wouldn’t be willing to answer in return.
3. Before your date, do a little
soul searching. Be honest about what kind of a partner you are
looking for and what kind of partner you can be.
4. Be authentic and real. You
are asking (and anticipating) honesty and some level of transparency from your
date, to which you should offer the same. This does not, however, mean you
must share your darkest secrets.
5. Be calm, not overly
emotional or dramatic. While
it’s healthy to emote, over-dramatization can be viewed as a turn-off. More
often than not, keeping yourself relaxed will put your date at ease as well and
open the door for a more open and honest discussion.
6. Reveal your strengths, not your
weaknesses. People
want to see what’s good about a potential partner, so make sure you do yourself
justice. It’s okay to sell your positives, so long as you don’t seem boastful.
7. Be polite and considerate. Nothing kills a date faster than
rudeness. Remember, if you’re expecting your date to conduct themselves in a
certain manner, you should exhibit that same behavior in return
Now let’s look at things you should definitely not reveal at
first meetings.
1. Do not talk about your
ex(es). It
is best not to resurrect the wrongs of your past relationships because you can
inadvertently reflect light on possible previous mistakes. Besides, you
are looking to move forward, not back.
2. Don’t mention your finances. You
want your date to get to know your personality, beliefs and values, and in
turn, find attractiveness in them, not your income earning potential.
3. Stay away from boasting about
your children, if you have them. If the relationship moves
forward, your date will be given the opportunity to meet your children and form
his/her own views.
4. Do not discuss sexual practices
or experiences with past loves. A first date is not the appropriate
time to discuss these topics. This is something that should be broached as the
relationship progresses and you find yourself ready to be intimate.
5. Don’t talk about how miserable
and lonely you are. That is a huge turn-off and should be
kept between you and your therapist or trusted friend. You also run the risk of
appearing “desperate” or “looking for a relationship for the wrong reasons.”
6. Discussing health issues and
physical ailments are a no-no. That will land you in the
“problem child” category. Everyone has issues of their own to handle, and a
first date is not the place to air them.
7. Avoid the following
topics: special diets and arrest records. Need I say
more?
In Summary:
Do: Take
charge of your first date by presenting yourself as a desirable person. Share
what is good and positive about you and your life and be open to learning all
you can about your date.
Don’t: Do
not attend a first date as a “victim”… of a bad marriage, a painful childhood,
financial problems or ill health.
What is on your list of
first date dos and don’ts?
Written by:Author
of the recently released book, “Who Am I Without My Partner? Post-Divorce Healing and Rediscovering Your
SELF,” Deborah Hecker, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist with over 35 years
of private practice experience. She received her Master’s Degree from Columbia
University and her Ph.D. from The Union Institute. In addition, she is
certified as a psychoanalyst and has extensive training in the following areas:
addiction counseling, grief counseling, collaborative practice and mediation.
For more information, please visit www.drdeborahhecker.com.
Source: http://www.eharmony.com
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